The Donut Man Would Like A Word With You...
Virtual Channel Surfing #7!
You're walking in the woods.
There's no one around,
And your phone is dead.
Out of the corner of your eye you spot him,
The Donut Man.
He's following you
About 30 feet back.
He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint.
He's gaining on you.
The Donut Man.
You're looking for your car,
But you're all turned around.
He's almost upon you now
And you can see there's blood on his face!
My god, there's blood everywhere!
Running for your life
(From The Donut Man.)
He's brandishing a knife.
(It's The Donut Man.)
Lurking in the shadows
TBN superstar The Donut Man.
Living in the woods,
(The Donut Man.)
Killing for sport,
(The Donut Man.)
Eating all the bodies
Actual, cannibal The Donut Man.
Now it's dark and you seem to have lost him,
But you're hopelessly lost yourself.
Stranded with a murderer,
You creep silently through the underbrush.
A-ha! In the distance,
A small cottage with a light on.
Hope!
You move stealthily toward it,
But your leg! AH! It's caught in a bear trap!
Gnawing off your leg,
(Quiet, quiet.)
Limping toward the cottage,
(Quiet, quiet.)
Now you're on the doorstep,
Sitting inside, The Donut Man.
Sharpening an ax,
(The Donut Man.)
But he doesn't hear you enter,
(The Donut Man.)
You're sneaking up behind him.
TBN superstar The Donut Man.
Fighting for your life with The Donut Man,
Wrestling a knife from The Donut Man,
Stab it in his kidney.
Safe at last from The Donut Man.
You limp into the dark woods,
Blood oozing from your stump leg.
But you have won.
You have beaten The Donut Man
Wait! He isn't dead, The Donut surprise!
There's a gun to your head.
And death in his eyes.
But you can do Ju Jitsu.
(You can do it)
Body slam TBN superstar The Donut Man.
Legendary fight with The Donut Man.
Normal Tuesday night for The Donut Man.
You try to swing an axe at The Donut Man.
But blood is draining fast from your stump leg.
He's dodging every swipe, he parries to the left.
You counter to the right, you catch him in the neck.
Your chopping of his head now...
You have just decapitated The Donut Man.
His head toppled to the floor, expressionless.
You fall to your knees and catch your breath.
You are finally safe from The Donut Man.
PADI Rescue Diver Video
1993 | Runtime: 80 minutes
Learning about accident prevention and problem management is serious, but it's also a lot of fun! In fact, many divers say the PADI Rescue Diver course is the most enjoyable and rewarding they've taken. It's easy to see why.
The PADI Rescue Diver course:
• Strengthens your confidence and proficiency in assisting divers in need
• Develops the self-assurance and skills you need to respond properly in the unlikely event of a diving accident
• Teaches you to anticipate and prevent problems Watch and Learn
The PADI Rescue Diver Video goes hand-in-hand with a PADI Rescue Diver course. You'll see techniques from each of the Rescue Diver training sessions, which will allow you to master each skill more efficiently during the course. PLUS, the video is the perfect tool for reviewing skills long after you've become a certified PADI Rescue Diver.
UFO Phenomenon: The Mystery Revealed
1995 | Runtime: 1 Hour
The evidence for the existence of UFOS becomes stronger each day and UFO Phenomenon is the latest and most fascinating part of this jigsaw relating to alien activity on earth. This tape gives a first hand account of close encounters of all kinds and reliable eye witnesses relate amazing stories of spacecraft and alien contact and kidnappings.
UFO Phenomenon contains striking original footage offering some of the best indications yet of alien activity in our skies, with accounts of abduction and experimentation by extraterrestrials. Since the beginnings of powered flight these stories have gained in credence and are now at the very fringes of accepted scientific thinking.
UFO Phenomenon is an intensely watchable investigation into the world that lies just beyond our threshold and takes a close look at the evidence that many in authority seek to suppress.
Memories Theater
December 11th 2001 Show
2001 | Runtime: 2 hours 11 Minutes
Memories: Pigeon Forge's Longest Running Theater
Experience live entertainment like never before at Memories Theater! Established in 1990, we were the first to bring Legends-style shows to the Parkway. As the longest-running theater in Pigeon Forge, we now offer multiple entertainment options. Come join us for an unforgettable night of fun!
The Donut Man: The Donut All Stars
1995 | Runtime: 30 Minutes
Your children will enjoy spending an afternoon at the park with the Donut Man, Duncan, and the kids from the Donut Repair Club. Watch them prepare for their big game against the "Mighty Warriors" and find out that a "can do" attitude is just as important as practice. And when Matt finds himself in a difficult situation, we learn with him how to be an overcomer.
Go RVing: Life's A Trip
2001 | Runtime: 18 Minutes
Whether you're a newcomer just discovering how a recreational vehicle (RV) will fit into your family's lifestyle or a seasoned veteran shopping for your latest dream machine, this guide is for you.
The 7 Games Of Parelli Natural Horse-Man-Ship
1995 | Runtime: 2 Hours
The seven games that horses play, that every horse-person should learn so they can communicate more naturally with horses...
Well, that’s it for this week! I hope you enjoyed the tapes! If you’re looking for more, please check out my page on Archive.org for the full list of digitized media. If you have any questions, feel free to send me a message right here or drop a comment below. If you haven’t already, please check out the list below for all previous installments of Virtual Channel Surfing or any of my other previous posts here. Thanks so much for checking out this week’s edition of Diptych!
See you soon!
—Forrest
Virtual Channel Surfing #6
It’s Christmas in July this week on the blog, and I’ve got a giant pile of tapes for y’all! We’re starting off with some festive karaoke and a behind-the-scenes look at Christmas at “America’s largest home”. We’ll take a trip to Niagara Falls after that to look at both the summer and winter seasons there and on our way back we’ll stop at the
Gyroplanes, OPSEC, Heart Health, Scandals!
This week, I’ve got a great variety of both new uploads and suggestions that are sure to give you that 4am-why-am-I-watching-this-trash feeling. First up is a gyroplane flight demonstration from a prototype that never made it to market, then some talk on Operations Security in a post 9/11 world. After that, we’ve got an hour of programming that would fi…
Late Night Sleepycore
You feel the familiar sense of abrupt horror as you jolt awake. The misery of the dream you’d been experiencing quickly leaves your brain as you’re left with just the anxious lump in your throat. The clock on the VCR is blinking “12:00 A.M.”. Had the power gone out or did you forget to set it again? You can’t quite remember what you were watching before…
Virtual Channel Surfing #3
As mentioned several times over the past handful of articles, I’ve got an ever-growing backlog of tapes to digitize. Thanks to some wonderful gifts over the holidays, and some really lucky scores at thrift stores and marketplace finds, that backlog has grown to surpass my current collection on Archive.
Virtual Channel Surfing #2
It’s after midnight, and you’ve just awoken after falling asleep earlier than you would have liked. The TV is on, but what you were watching before has devolved into “Paid Programming” (infomercials). Being simultaneously groggy and wide awake, you start flipping through channels, but nothing catches your eye. You settle for garbage, once again.
Virtual Channel Surfing
Some of my most vivid memories of television from growing up are from sleepless nights and groggy early mornings. We, as a family, always had a cable package, so finding something even at those earliest hours wasn’t difficult, but finding something enjoyable really took some surfing.
Actual! Cannibal! The! Donut! Man!
That UFO video is something else